Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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