The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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