omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Randomize
