Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
