I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
