i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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