Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I'd cum for enchiladas.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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