Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Randomize
