wanna go halves on a baby?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize