My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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