flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
