It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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