mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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