His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
