I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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