i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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