Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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