There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
