proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
