Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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