Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
Is it because I queefed?
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
