WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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