no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Just invented taco cereal.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
