When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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