i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I cannot find my penis.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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