I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
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