Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
