so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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