im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
