I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
