I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
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