I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I'm so fucking centered right now
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
