i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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