did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize