dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
