Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
