Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
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