the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
