I'm gonna have a badass scar
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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