she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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