if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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