Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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