I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
