between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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