your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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