I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
