If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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