put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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