Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
