She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
