tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Less talking, more tequila
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
